Oh. Oh, Riley had such a similar past to him. It twisted his heart, not understanding why someone could be cruel to a person this sweet. Tears threatened to spill over his lashes but Cheng blinked rapidly, drawing in a deep breath.
"We should go sit. I have to tell you something." Because how else was he going to warn someone that he was as damaged as he could be? Once Cheng was off his feet and seated, he gave Riley a sad look. He was convinced that after confessing this-his past- Riley and by default, Will, would want nothing to do with him.
"I... have not had good experiences here," he said slowly and quietly, staring at his hands that were clutched between his knees. "Back home, it was expected of me to follow my advisors with a match and produce heirs so that the bloodline for Yunmeng Jiang could continue. I... couldn't. In my youth, it was so pressed that I made a list of demands no one could meet so I wouldn't have to deal with matchmaking. And... as time passed I supposed that was a shield of mine. I didn't feel warm to anyone who wanted to get close to me and eventually I decided that no one should.
"Coming here was a shock. The world back home is in upheaval. Nothing will be the same, and here...it was alien. My first time was with someone I knew from home. We used to be classmates, now colleagues. I admired him greatly for his patience in avenging the death of his family. It was something I could never accomplish. And I got into trouble with one of the festivals this place held. I didn't know what Uki was, or what it was capable of doing. I ingested some of it, he found me and declared he could help me out." Cheng took in a shaky breath.
"I...didn't understand. I thought he wanted me. I thought that his words of 'maybe I just want to know what your dick tasted like' was some sort of...tease? I... fell. He offered me a home, which no one had done. And I thought I was happy. But things started to change. When I was concerned about something, or worried that I was doing something wrong, it was dismissed. We didn't just do things like this...dated." He tried the modern word, pausing and then deciding he had used it properly. "When Wen Qing arrived, she had been caught in a curse and I offered to help. I didn't want it to go as far as it did. But I had liked her before she died, and was thinking that something was wrong with me because there were now two people I liked and wanted.
"When I started to give myself distance, it was Huaisang who worried, suddenly telling me things that I wanted to hear from him. Words of love and adoration that I had given him freely. And I wanted something like what you and Will have. But I wanted it with both of them.
"A-Qing didn't seem keen on the idea. And A-Sang? Well. He threw me away. He said that I could have given my body to anyone and everyone, but my heart was his and he wasn't going to share that so he wouldn't fight for me at all."
That knowledge still hurt Cheng. "I didn't want to believe that all I was good for was how well I fucked. But there it was. And then he left Nippon. And I got sick-almost died."
no subject
"We should go sit. I have to tell you something." Because how else was he going to warn someone that he was as damaged as he could be? Once Cheng was off his feet and seated, he gave Riley a sad look. He was convinced that after confessing this-his past- Riley and by default, Will, would want nothing to do with him.
"I... have not had good experiences here," he said slowly and quietly, staring at his hands that were clutched between his knees. "Back home, it was expected of me to follow my advisors with a match and produce heirs so that the bloodline for Yunmeng Jiang could continue. I... couldn't. In my youth, it was so pressed that I made a list of demands no one could meet so I wouldn't have to deal with matchmaking. And... as time passed I supposed that was a shield of mine. I didn't feel warm to anyone who wanted to get close to me and eventually I decided that no one should.
"Coming here was a shock. The world back home is in upheaval. Nothing will be the same, and here...it was alien. My first time was with someone I knew from home. We used to be classmates, now colleagues. I admired him greatly for his patience in avenging the death of his family. It was something I could never accomplish. And I got into trouble with one of the festivals this place held. I didn't know what Uki was, or what it was capable of doing. I ingested some of it, he found me and declared he could help me out." Cheng took in a shaky breath.
"I...didn't understand. I thought he wanted me. I thought that his words of 'maybe I just want to know what your dick tasted like' was some sort of...tease? I... fell. He offered me a home, which no one had done. And I thought I was happy. But things started to change. When I was concerned about something, or worried that I was doing something wrong, it was dismissed. We didn't just do things like this...dated." He tried the modern word, pausing and then deciding he had used it properly. "When Wen Qing arrived, she had been caught in a curse and I offered to help. I didn't want it to go as far as it did. But I had liked her before she died, and was thinking that something was wrong with me because there were now two people I liked and wanted.
"When I started to give myself distance, it was Huaisang who worried, suddenly telling me things that I wanted to hear from him. Words of love and adoration that I had given him freely. And I wanted something like what you and Will have. But I wanted it with both of them.
"A-Qing didn't seem keen on the idea. And A-Sang? Well. He threw me away. He said that I could have given my body to anyone and everyone, but my heart was his and he wasn't going to share that so he wouldn't fight for me at all."
That knowledge still hurt Cheng. "I didn't want to believe that all I was good for was how well I fucked. But there it was. And then he left Nippon. And I got sick-almost died."