Ryūnosuke Akutagawa || 芥川 龍之介 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
blackbeastcoat) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
jikan_rpg2021-02-20 02:22 am
blackbeastcoat) wrote in jikan_rpg2021-02-20 02:22 am
Amidst Broken Admiration
⌛ Who: Akutagawa Ryuunosuke & Nakahara Chuuya
⌛ What: After a VERY unkind realization? Akutagawa decides to end up drinking...
⌛ When: February 8th
⌛ Where: A bar in Yoshiwara
⌛ Warnings: BSD spoilers to some degree!
[ It was too much. WAY too much to bear and come to terms with.
This whole time. He spent all this time working hard to hear Dazai say he's acknowledged him, and even took on that dangerous mission to take down that man, Fukuchi. That man was an absolute monster. In the end, it'd cost him his very life, or it would once the time loops were repaired and he was allowed to go back home.
Never was he ever going to hear the man he looked up to, say he did a good job or tell him he was wrong and acknowledge that he was strong. That he was WORTH all that trouble and hard work. Dazai was always going to see him as simply someone who would always be in second place to someone better and it initially had infuriated him, but now that the anger had ebbed away?
Such a thing left an emptiness inside his chest he didn't know how to deal with at the moment and as such? He finally did something that he's never really done. Heading over to Yoshiwara, Akutagawa had headed over to one of the quieter bars and just... sat in the corner. Drinking. At some point he'd sent off some messages to Chuuya but he couldn't be bothered, resting the side of his face on the table in front of him miserably as by this point he was definitely WAY too drunk. ]
⌛ What: After a VERY unkind realization? Akutagawa decides to end up drinking...
⌛ When: February 8th
⌛ Where: A bar in Yoshiwara
⌛ Warnings: BSD spoilers to some degree!
[ It was too much. WAY too much to bear and come to terms with.
This whole time. He spent all this time working hard to hear Dazai say he's acknowledged him, and even took on that dangerous mission to take down that man, Fukuchi. That man was an absolute monster. In the end, it'd cost him his very life, or it would once the time loops were repaired and he was allowed to go back home.
Never was he ever going to hear the man he looked up to, say he did a good job or tell him he was wrong and acknowledge that he was strong. That he was WORTH all that trouble and hard work. Dazai was always going to see him as simply someone who would always be in second place to someone better and it initially had infuriated him, but now that the anger had ebbed away?
Such a thing left an emptiness inside his chest he didn't know how to deal with at the moment and as such? He finally did something that he's never really done. Heading over to Yoshiwara, Akutagawa had headed over to one of the quieter bars and just... sat in the corner. Drinking. At some point he'd sent off some messages to Chuuya but he couldn't be bothered, resting the side of his face on the table in front of him miserably as by this point he was definitely WAY too drunk. ]
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In all honesty, he's more worried about his mental state than his physical. He's hoped for years that Akutagawa would wake up and see reason, but like this... when he's already lost everything...
Damn it, when he saw Dazai again he was going to beat the shit out of him for this.
He finally locates the bar: It's the red light district, but it was the brothels that had red lights here, not the bars. Finding the bar with red decorations is easier, and once he does he doesn't waste time to head right in, glancing around for the younger man.]
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Vaguely he thought he saw a flash of something red around the doorway to the bar entrance and it had him sitting up so Chuuya would be able to spot him sitting there, cheeks flushed from the alcohol all in his system. ]
...Chuuya-san. You came...
[ Akutagawa's expression was dazed, though his eyes were what bared the pain. It was akin to someone who'd lost their entire life's purpose, and yet so much more than that. Perhaps that was why a disjointed, miserable laugh bubbled up before he laid his head back onto the table, one hand reaching up to loosely grasp the half-finished glass he'd been working on downing.
Very likely something very strong. He couldn't remember the name of it right now. ]
Why...? It... was never e... enough.
Somehow this notif never ended up in my email inbox. why.
No, that would be giving him what he wanted. Maybe he'd just break every bone in his body instead.
Right now though, he needed to focus on what Akutagawa needed, not his anger. So he shoves that away, focuses on the present, on what Akutagawa deserved. What Dazai had never given him: Someone who cared.
Which he'll start with by reaching out, tugging the glass away and motioning to the bartender silently as he sits down in the next seat. His next drink if he gets him to down it will hopefully be water.]
You weren't the one lacking, Akutagawa... It was always Dazai.
it's okay ;;
A sense of uselessness had sunk in and by this point, he didn't know what to do besides the futile, half-hearted attempt at trying to get his glass back when Chuuya had taken it from him. From his time starting out in the mafia all the way up until now there'd been just one main thing which had driven him forwards and now he realized it had almost been all for nothing.
It took a second after hearing Chuuya's words before he slowly raised his head up, frowning a bit. ]
No... Dazai-san is smart... knows what to do... n' executive. I... did everything for him... I just wasn't strong enough to... make him see me.
[ He balled one fist and brought it down on the table, and in this moment there's anger as he's also shaking a little with jagged, disjointed breaths. ]
Always go...gonna be second to... someone else. I... [ Akutagawa's breath caught, his shoulders fell as his head tilted forwards and he swayed a little where he was sitting. At least his words were still understandable with the bit of slur to them. ] I just wanted him to tell me I was good enough... and... and now I... now I never will.
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He's probably going to feel like shit tomorrow, but no reason they can't try to help that a little now.]
Smart doesn't mean shit when he's lacking pretty much everywhere else, you know. Trust me: I've known him since we were fifteen. [He frowns slightly, finally reaching out after a moment-- resting one gloved hand over one of Akutagawa's trembling ones. How to explain in a way that wouldn't drive the knife deeper...?] The problem isn't you, Akutagawa. It's that Dazai's never interested in anything or anyone. Not for long, and not forever. That weretiger's probably going to get discarded too, soon enough.
[Is that assessment of Dazai unfair? Maybe. Is it the truth as Chuuya knows it? Absolutely.]
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Emotions were knocking around chaotically and even he didn't know what to do with them, latching loosely onto anger and hurt a bit moreso. Chuuya's hand was warm and comforting in this moment, half unfocused eyes settling on where it rested overtop one of his own. ]
Soon... as the weretiger is no longer in his best interests or useful... to him. Gone. He'll discard him like trash...
[ Ah. It was getting a little harder to see with how blurry things were. Why was that? It was possibly due to the slow-burning realization that he didn't actually hate the weretiger, who had begun to earn his respect and had become stronger. Nakajima was just a pawn in Dazai's game too...
Gritting his teeth for a moment, Akutagawa straightened up and looked at Chuuya as firmly as he could. ]
Then tell me, Chuuya-san. Have... I become strong?
[ His alcohol-addled mind needed some kind of positive right now. Chuuya had said he wasn't the problem, and he'd known Dazai longer than he had. Moreso since he'd been that man's partner in the Port Mafia. ]
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No, Dazai wasn't capable of that kind of change. He couldn't be.
But at the question, Chuuya lets his free hand slide up to rest on Akutagawa's head, offering the younger man a small and certain smile.]
Yeah... you are, Akutagawa. You've always been.
[Chuuya's always had his own opinions on what constituted 'strong'. And as far as Akutagawa was concerned....] You're one of the strongest fighters in the Port Mafia, and I don't think anyone would question that. Boss thinks so, I think so... But it's more than that, you know.
[He ruffles his hair lightly.] You have passion. Drive. When you set your mind to something, you'll climb mountains to finish it. It's why Boss trusts you to handle so many high risk operations.
[Maybe Akutagawa was wild and loyal to Dazai-- but he always produced results, because he'd never accept anything less of himself. Chuuya held himself to the same standard.] For someone to be truly strong, that sort of willpower has always been necessary, but it's not something just anyone has.
And you surpass Dazai in it. You always have.
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He spent years yearning for acknowledgment but it'd been from the wrong person.
It had been Dazai. The person who saved him from a much shorter life in the slums and gave him a purpose but that was it. Beyond that there was torment, pain and suffering. He'd never been told 'good job' by him when it mattered, or if at all. So hearing Chuuya give him what was genuine, real praise was like lifting a heavy weight off his shoulders. ]
I... surpassed Dazai-san... Not weak...
[ The alcohol has definitely acted as a catalyst here, and he can't make the tears stop, either. In times like these it was SO easy to tell he was just a young twenty-year old and not just the vicious fighter most regarded him as in the mafia.
Every job he did, he went above and beyond to finish it the best he could but now it was clear he'd been doing it for the wrong reasons. Trying to prove it to the wrong person. ]
It... wasn't for nothing... You... all saw how... strong... I really am. [ Unlike a person who might have been bragging, this was more of his realizations being fully vocalized here, if not a bit slurred and disjointed. ] Didn't... realize I was blind... nn... couldn't see it.
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Sometimes he regretted never stepping in with Akutagawa. There were lines you weren't supposed to cross in the Mafia if you didn't want a feud, but he hadn't been totally oblivious to what had been going on. He'd found it distasteful, but ultimately put it down to Dazai being Dazai. He had his own jobs to do, and hadn't really looked, to see how bad it really was.
He regrets it, these days.
He slides that hand on Akutagawa's head downward, curling his arm around the man's shoulders to tug him closer into a sort of half embrace. Given the height difference it might be slightly awkward, but maybe they both need this right now.] It wasn't for nothing. You've been great Akutagawa. Think of all you've done so far, all you've become. Those are your accomplishments, not Dazai's.
[Maybe he'd done it for the wrong reasons, but they were still his own.]
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He blinked, breath hitching shakily in his throat as he found himself tugged into a partial embrace. Even with the height difference, it was just the action alone that had meaning here when paired with those words. Where Dazai's words had been cold, unyielding and unforgiving in the past, Chuuya's filled him with a gentle, soothing warmth. ]
...That... That's right. [ Akutagawa bowed his head towards Chuuya, vision spinning a bit. ] I... went out and did... did it all... I achieved something... in this life. On my own... merit.
[ He scrunched his face a bit, trying to find the words despite his fuzzy, unclear mind. It was really not quite that easy, and in his mind's eye he wasn't slurring as much or didn't even notice it. Especially when he looked up to the red-head with bleary eyes. ]
Chuuya-san... f...frm now on... if I do somethin... I want t' hear you acknowledge me... [ The thing about alcohol is that it does a hell of a lot to lower inhibitions and the ability to care about a whole lot. Which makes this all the more poignant. ] Praise me...
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[Sure they were criminals, they were murderers. They weren't heroes of any sort, and they weren't ashamed of that. But Yokohama was their home, it was their city. Protecting their home, protecting what was theirs... that was just what you should do, in Chuuya's mind.
Chuuya wants to reaffirm that he's going to make sure that Akutagawa doesn't die, that he'll change what happens... somehow. But right now, his focus shouldn't be in possibilities, it should be right here in the present.
His expression softens at that request, and he tugs Akutagawa a little closer, both arms going around him now firmly. Just two bros hugging it out in a bar, move along onlookers.]
Of course. I'd do that anyway, even if you didn't ask. [After everything...] You deserve to hear it. You deserve to know when you've done good.
['Good' being subjective, with them. But still.]
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Right now he's focusing on how nice it feels to have Chuuya hugging him, his arms moving a bit to do the same, somewhat less coordinated but the effect was still there. There's no tension and he seems truly, honestly relaxed right now. ]
...I... 'preciate it. Means a lot t' me. No more wanting... Dazai-san's approval. I'm... done.
[ Guess who's going to finally let that go now? Especially with now having someone who would properly praise and appreciate his efforts. ]
T...Thank you, Chu... Chuuya-san. [ It's definitely alcohol influencing him but the words are still genuine. ] Home. I'd... like t' go home now...